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newly ancient
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thou shalt: i will [10 May 2009|11:10am]
the waning moon is most beneficial for matters at a stage of consolidation, conservation and completion.


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installation/balloon cinemascope part [16 Jan 2009|11:48pm]

part of a 16mm projection performance by luka revelation and myself, january 15th 2009, artists' television access.
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notes from the borrowers' services desk [28 Dec 2008|01:52pm]
new years is a time to be silly, keep in mind that half of wisdom is dumb.

improvised poem about sharing a hammock with a cow.
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[23 Dec 2008|03:16pm]
it's almost christmas, the time i always feel like i must be falling in love. it has something to do with the knot in my stomach, seasonally conditioned excitement.

i am riding the bus from marin to san francisco with my friend colette's dead mother. she asked if she could sit next to me. she is beautiful, an angel with small dry hands. she lost a silver-gold hair and i pulled it out of the tassel of my scarf and looked at it without realizing it was hers.

she gets off on van ness, drops a glove, turns to pick it up, says something to the driver, steps down.

the kid behind me is talking to someone on the phone. on the bridge, he looses service. he doesn't know the person he is talking to well. he says mary, can you hear me? and she can't. he calls back, and explains that he has just gotten into the city, and that he'll be taking the muni to the hospital. he repeats, i'll be taking the muni to ucsf. he doesn't know if the muni is a bus or not, and i want to tell him which line to take, but i don't, i get off the bus.
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[14 Dec 2008|12:57pm]
today i saw the word poetry upside down, and it read as apoplexy.
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[13 Dec 2008|12:13am]
i live on the top of the world on the edge of a cliff. the wind is going to blow me away. i wonder every time i undress in front of my big uncurtained windows if anyone can see me, but i always convince myself that i'm too high up, too far away.

sail baby sail
out upon the sea

only don't forget
to sail
back again
to me
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monkey's teeth [05 Dec 2008|06:40pm]

made by patients in a mental hospital under the guidance of rené laloux, félix guattari and jean oury, 1960.
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you can pick your nose if he says so [04 Dec 2008|10:50pm]
songs in my head make up a good portion of my mental state.

i won't mention the one that i had for weeks, or it will come back. it was horrid. the worst song in the world. it's been replaced with unpretty by tlc, which i am enjoying thoroughly.

i am son sa fool, i am sonsaful.

sharing airways with irreplaceable, and something else. when all songs were gone from my head and it was quiet negative voices came pouring in.

ask me something and i'll give you a one-card tarot reading.
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new eyes [28 Nov 2008|02:18pm]
new eye

nerve fiber 9

last night i developed this film in my parents' kitchen sink.
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[27 Nov 2008|10:49pm]
this thanksgiving was pretending disasters. divorce or death, or perhaps just estrangement. my dad, my brother and i cooked enough food for fourteen, and fed it to my dotty grandma. we accidentally made the turkey perfect, somehow. maybe it was because there was no bustle, no glow, no martha stuart aunts, just strict schedules, lists, preparations to keep the inevitable failure of our inexperience at bay. we almost went molecular with my dads roasted cashew and green onion infused acorn squash, and i was finally able to convince him of the wonders of cranberry sauce.

now, the rats in my parents' ceiling are fighting. they squeak just like toys. i think they are biting each others' rubber abdomens, their plastic tails tangling. jesus christ, it's horrifying because they're actually real, and there are many of them up there.
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that could be/and understatement [12 Nov 2008|07:06pm]
i rode my bike all the way across the city by myself today. i was nervous to be without the usual escort of those more knowledgeable of the landscape, but i found i knew the way, cognitive maps linked. i know this city. at every point in the journey, i could fly up into a birds eye view and look down at myself as a little pin on a turquoise and purple raleigh.

a little pin.

also, i ate two delicious sandwiches in the span of three hours. eleven thirty, lunch break, tofu bahn mi from saigon sandwiches. two thirty, roast turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce from arguello market. i am generally vegetarian but this is one sandwich i will make an exception for any day.
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i decided never to use livejournal again/then i decided to use it every day [10 Nov 2008|06:08pm]
last night i fell asleep fully dressed and with the light on, at the very end of diary of a country priest. it was nine o'clock. i woke up when it was nine o'clock again, and then spent the day cleaning house, reorganizing hellish kitchen with new housemate and michael. i finally changed my clothes and took a shower just now, after going to the worst hardware store in the world to buy hooks and a dowel to put in my new closet. now the kitchen/hallway is clean, organized, fantastic, but my room is still chaos.

the night before last, after we saw wild combination (amazing), harlan tuned my harp. well, it's michael's friend's harp, but it's in my room, at my disposal. i am going to learn to play it, and if not play it in the conventional sense, learn to make noises i like on it. i promise i will not let it gather dust like my keyboard, my guitar, my typewriter, my every stupid material possession that i do not get around to using. i am going to sell all that on craigslist. starting now.

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gemelita [08 Nov 2008|07:33pm]
yesterday i held my warm friend cat gemma in my arms, then watched the life slip out of her on a silver table as the vet administered the three injections. i came home to my house and she has entirely filled it up with her presence, the lack of her presence. her presence, her ghost in my neuropathways. in every spot she ever sat, i look and she is there. but she is not there, and the expectation and the disappointment punch my heart over and over. her tiny body was burned in a furnace with all the other pets euthanized that day, and her tiny life energy has done whatever tiny life energies do. flown away, melded into my heart, borne itself into a new body.

i see two pictures in my head simulaneously; her body still warm but obviously only a shell stretched out on the table, and her golden imploring eyes her tilted head so alive. hovering with these images is the expectation, the knowledge, the feeling that when i come home brook will say, look, here she is! gemma's back. of course, of course, she hasn't left, she's here.

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gem gemlin gemima [06 Nov 2008|05:42pm]
tomorrow my beautiful kitty friend gemma will be put to sleep.

she has a huge pocket of pus in her chest cavity, pressing against her heart, filling up her lungs. it is so difficult, because she seems fine, like she always is, overly serious with imploring golden eyes. now i'm realizing, those times she looked up at us and cried and cried, her eyes filled with this absurd fear that we laughed at, she was saying what's happening? help me. i can't breathe.

i'm going to miss her so much.
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windows [06 Nov 2008|01:47pm]
i was just about to write the most emotional, frustrated livejournal post i've written in the past year, but then i opened the window to my new room, and i sat on the windowsill and looked down into the back yard, and at the electrical wire with vines creeping up it toward me, and the wind blew and now all i can write about is how much i love windows.
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[03 Nov 2008|07:35pm]
i dreamed that someone, either james from twin peaks or richard, was doing very destructive things as a game. he slashed his neck, and was letting himself slowly bleed. i tried to get him to bandage it up, but he wouldn’t pay attention to me. flesh was hanging down around his neck like a tattered collar, slowly dripping. i held him close to me and whispered, if you loose twenty five percent, you’ll die. the last word, die, crinkled upwards dryly with laura palmer eyes
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november 2nd [02 Nov 2008|07:36pm]
a bender of a halloween

(somehow getting up on someone’s roof, lying there in the rain)

falling off my bike for the first time

(as exhilarating as that firecracker explosion, bruised knees)

my new room, desk overlooking the city like i own it all

(still shambled boxes, no bed in the room)

daylight savings time, falling

(new people, dyslexia, circadian rythm)


(wet smack of concrete, air and colors saturated)
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[25 Oct 2008|01:31pm]
i just applied for a job as a receptionist at an old folks home.

i am going to wear a teddy bear for halloween. teddy bears.

i'm about to move into a new room, and when i do, my life will come together. then.

this is a really bad transfer of my first assignment from my cinematography and lighting class. it's actually correctly exposed and looks good, really.

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action and adventure [17 Oct 2008|01:20pm]
If you leave me a comment on this entry I will:

a) Tell you why I friended you.
b) Associate you with something -- a song, color, photo, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you.
d) Tell you a memory I have of you.
e) Ask you something I've wanted to know about you.
f) Tell you my favorite userpic from your list.

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[03 Oct 2008|11:37pm]
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